WTF am I doing?

Hi.

I have spent every day the last month saying, "I'm gonna . . . ya know, get some writing done today," and yet every friggin' day, something took me away from that: reruns of Tosh.0, Facebook, staring at a wall, ANYTHING I could do to not have to put my hands on the ever-loving keys of my macbook and actually get creative, I would do. And then I'd convince myself, MAN, I just ran out of time today. CRAZY!

So, this pile of shit blog is where I put my foot down. Even if it's this blog entry that has no significance, I had to write because if I don't write something I feel like I'm just going to find more worthless, time-sucking, reality TV shows to zap all of my creative mojo.

Shits been hard. Yep. I've had a lot of tough shit lately but that's life. When is there NOT shit? Speaking of shit, the thing that got me writing tonight was my friend Julie's blog entry about shit today. She is hilarious and she is doing this whole "living joyously" thing where she basically does whatever she wants (including quitting her job) and knows it's all going to be fantastic. I love her. Julie's blog. (note: "shit" used five times in this paragraph . . . well, now six times I guess.)

Today I had a moment of intense and insane clarity writing down a take out order at the same time as playing tic tac toe with my fellow counter server where I thought, "Woah! Wait a minute. I'm sorry. This isn't my life. I must have accidentally beamed into someone else's body and life because this isn't mine." I think it's a combination of being really hard on myself (as always), being impatient (again, per usual) and being EXHAUSTED (by quite a few things). All I know for sure is that I needed to slap myself across the face tonight, force myself to say something, and hold myself accountable for my total laziness.

I need to focus on the amazing things in my life, even if it's the tiniest thing one day, I'm so freaking lucky. I have a tendency to get in a rut of only focusing on the things I want to change, the things that suck. The problem there is that there is always stuff in your life that sucks, no matter who you are. The difference between a happy person and a miserable one is that the happy person is looking at all the fan-flippin'-tastic blessings they have and the miserable one is focused on the shit they are wading through. Until I have a story to tell, I'm just going to let you know what I'm grateful for and focus on that.

Today I had my graduation show for my 301 UCB class. I love improv. I was hung up for a while, about a year ago, feeling like I just couldn't do it and that I was awful, and well, because I THOUGHT that, I was. Now, I don't even really care that much if I'm amazing at it, I just love that I LOVE doing it. I love making people laugh and I got to do that today. I am so thankful for that. My class rocks, UCB rocks and hanging out at Birds afterwards rocks.

And I'm grateful that I finally wrote something today. It'll make writing something tomorrow so much easier, and now, I have no excuse. I'm sure the THRONGS of people who read this will hold me accountable and urge me to keep writing. (And by "throngs of people" I mean, my mother.)

Goodnight.